Quarrymen
The Quarrymen are a citizens' group who seek to protect us from bears, gargoyles, Klingons, sharks, Socialists, illegal immigrants and other things that go bump in the night. Founding The Quarrymen were founded by legal immigrant, John Castaway, the only son of run of the mill potato farmers in north Wales. At the age of eight, while on a trip to Paris, Castaway's parents were murdered in front of him by bears... or gargoyles. Or winged bears... it was dark. As his parents were devoured in front of him, Castaway vowed to protect the innocent by making sure that what happened to him never happened to anyone else. What happened to him between age eight and adulthood remains a mystery, but it is rumored that he lived on the streets before being taken in by William F. Buckley and raised here in his new adopted home, America. Castaway founded the Quarrymen during the tyranny of the Clinton Administration, when it became clear to him that the President was too busy sodomizing interns and selling secrets to China to protect good God fearing Americans, he spent his trust fund to commission Halliburton to manufacture electrified sledge hammers and uniforms allowing Castaway to form his militia. Castaway is a friend of the Colbert Report, has appeared as a guest several times and was recently made Stephen's Metrosexual Friend. Persecution Ever since the Quarrymen took to the streets to safeguard your children's right to go buy bubble gum without having to worry about being raped and mauled, they have been targeted by the Loony Left. Some say their Hoods of Friendship are proof that the Quarrymen are in fact a hate group, as they bear a resemblance to the hoods worn by the Ku Klux Klan. That is absolute nonsense. Like Stephen, Castaway is color blind. He does not see race. For starters, the Quarrymen wear black hoods as a symbol of their inclusiveness, and Castaway has black friends. Like Alan Keyes and Clarence Thomas. He has also dated Michelle Malkin, and Ann Coulter is his transexual friend. As you can see, Castaway has lots of friends. Others, such as liberal pinko NYPD Detective, Elisa Maza, have insinuated that Castaway doesn't exist, that in actuality he is fugitive Scottish terrorist, Jon Canmore. That is bull crap, for one thing, Castaway has a mustache and Canmore does not. She's lucky Castaway does not sue her for slander. In the end, the Quarrymen are all about friendship. Special friends who wear hoods to show unity. Special friends who fight the forces of darkness by night, and have bake sales to raise money to give to local orphanages by day. Won't you be a friend? Join the Quarrymen. Hammer Factoids * Tom DeLay is a card carrying member of the Quarrymen. Where do you think his moniker, "The Hammer" came from. * While Stephen is not a member, he regularly buys his Apple Pie from Quarrymen bake sales. * In 2000, the Quarrymen campaigned for Pat Buchanan. * Quarrymen love to vacation just north of the Texas-Mexico border.